While
I normally write for people who are interested in improving their lives, I’m
aware that many are committed to the opposite path. These people deliberately
decline steps that would lead to measurable improvements. They prefer that
everything goes wrong — for as long as possible.
Sometimes
they screw up and accidentally do something right. They’re usually able to
sabotage these unwanted successes in short order, but they like it best when
they can prevent these positive experiences from ever happening in the first
place.
If
you count yourself among this under-acknowledged and under-appreciated group,
here are some suggestions for how you can do a better job of staving off
success and ensuring absolute failure till you die.
Wrong Road
Notice
the paths that happy and successful people take, and avoid those paths. Favor
the popular paths since those will help you achieve average results at best,
and average results should safely prevent undesirable feelings of fulfillment.
The best roads are those that leave you feeling like you’re walking in circles
till you’re too tired to walk anymore and must retire. Roads that are flat or
which slope downhill are often good choices, and they tend to satisfy the
popularity requirement as well. Avoid any paths that lead over hills or near
mountains; the elevated views are disturbing. Head towards terrain you dislike
since it’s easier to hate your life when you hate your surroundings. If you can
manage to get lost as well, that’s wonderful.
Wrong Tendencies
Take
stock of which habits are creating the best results for you, and abandon them.
Replace them with habits that ensure no forward progress. Even better are
habits that cause backsliding. Watch lots of TV. Eat fast food. Avoid
exercising. Make Facebooking the highlight of your day.
Wrong Place
It’s
important to live in a place that emanates a going-nowhere vibe. Look for spots
that attract people with average or below average incomes, and favor
surroundings that are so ugly, even Shakespeare would succumb to writer’s
block. Live with people who will encourage you to take paths you clearly
don’t want; living with your parents for as long as possible can be very
helpful here.
Wrong Time
Never
take action when you can justify delay. Stay on the sidelines for as long as
you can, and avoid the field for as long as possible. Be non-punctual.
Eventually the opportunities will pass. There’s less pressure in showing up
late since no one will expect much of you. If you act too soon, you’re risking
success.
Wrong Reason
People
are notoriously nosy, and sooner or later they’ll inquire about your plans.
There’s an unfair assumption that everyone should be looking to improve their
lives, so you’ll need to get good at deflecting their queries with false
responses. When they eventually take note of your seeming lack of forward
progress, put the blame on external factors such as the economy, how unfair
your boss is, how unreasonable your ex was, etc. If you tell people the truth,
they may try to motivate you to make some changes, and you definitely don’t
want that.
Wrong Day
Get
up late if you feel best as an early riser, and drag yourself out of bed early
if you feel best sleeping in late. Throughout the day, strive to do the
opposite of whatever makes you feel happy and productive. Most people find it
helpful to get a job doing work they dislike. This ensures that even if they
manage to enjoy a nice morning and/or evening, the hours spent at work will
drag the whole day down, ensuring an unpleasant overall experience.
Wrong Week
String
several wrong days in a row, and you can create a very mediocre week — perhaps
even a downright bad week if you work at it. It’s important not to do anything
genuinely restorative on the weekend — burn up the time with laziness,
inactivity, and pointless entertainment as much as possible. You want to head
into Monday morning feeling disempowered from the get-go. If you can manage to
maintain feelings of stress, depression, or boredom throughout the whole week,
you’re golden. Once you’re locked into such a pattern, don’t do anything to upset
it.
Wrong Method
Learn
from other people’s failures, and copy them. Use methods that have proven
ineffective in the past, ensuring that you’ll get similar lousy results. Look
to your own past as well. Notice what has never worked for you, and keep doing
it. If it didn’t work back then, it will continue not working today.
Wrong Technique
Don’t
be too creative or try to innovate. Copy someone else’s technique if you
can. Fitting in with the crowd is safer than standing out as a distinct
individual. It’s easier to stave off success if you favor the popular
techniques of the masses — don’t do anything too fancy. Style is too close to
success.
Wrong Mix
Make
sure the key ingredients you’re putting into your life don’t mix well together.
Get a job that doesn’t pay enough to cover your expenses, so you can’t make
ends meet. Get a relationship partner who can’t get along with your friends.
Stock your kitchen with foods that keep you feeling slightly sick much of the
time. Keep yourself off balance.
Wrong Genes
Disempower
yourself by blaming your problems on your DNA. Let your genes serve as the
ultimate limitation. Ignore the truth that your thoughts largely determine how
your genes express themselves.
Wrong Ends
It’s
hard to avoid setting goals altogether because part of your brain will want to
fill this void. Keep this spot filled with analog pseudo-goals that will attach
to your goal receptors and effectively block real goals from accidentally
falling into place. These have been proven to work well: make more money,
get a relationship, find a job, etc. The lack of specificity
makes procrastination go down easier.
Wrong Means
If
you ever do get sucked into working on a goal, take the most circuitous route
you can. Instead of starting a real business that provides value and makes
money, keep yourself occupied with pointless busywork like fussing over the
design of your logo and business cards. Switch projects frequently so that
nothing ever ships. Create the illusion of progress without causing anything
quantifiable to occur.
Wrong Plan
Create
flawed plans to reach your goals, plans that any reasonably intelligent person
would be able to poke full of holes. Be sure that at least one crucial step
requires a horcrux.
Wrong Hands
Avoid
becoming too good at anything. Skill is a recipe for success, so keep yourself
as unskilled as possible. Avoid books, audio programs, seminars, and educated
people. Your education ended a long time ago; don’t try to resurrect it. Let
your unskilled hands fall further behind with each passing year.
Wrong Eyes
Use
a perspective that disempowers you. Rule out the angles that would make your
problems look too easily solvable. If you blow problems out of proportion, it’s
easier to stay stuck. If a problem looks too solvable, you might be tempted to
actually solve it, and that’s only going to speed you along the path of success
— bad idea!
Wrong Prize
Set
goals that others expect you to achieve, even if you don’t really care about
them. Surely everyone else is right, and you’re wrong, so get with the program
and pretend you like it.
Wrong Questions
Ask
questions that cannot possibly provide you with helpful answers, such as Why
can I never get ahead? Why are people always mean to me? Why am I such a
‘fraidy cat all the time?
Wrong Replies
Now
take those lame questions, and try to answer them anyway. Be as disempowering
as you can. I can never get ahead because I’m stupid. People are mean to me
because I’m a loser. I’m a ‘fraidy cat because I have no social skills, so I
know I’ll embarrass myself as soon as I open my mouth.
Wrong Drum
March
to the beat of someone else’s drum, never your own. The best advice for you to
follow is that which comes from people who seem to care about you but who are
too incompetent to know what they’re talking about. Seek health advice from
overweight smokers. Consider money advice from people who can barely pay their
own bills. Relatives are often great choices for this.
Wrong Scum
Hang
out with disenchanted losers regularly, elevating them to buddy status. Better
yet, swear loyalty to them as your peer group. If anyone shows the slightest
hint of ambition or brilliance, accuse them of being crazy, and either numb
them with sufficient quantities of alcohol, or boot them out of your tribe.
Openly welcome new members who demonstrate their adeptness at sarcasm and who
wield a video game collection that rivals your own.
Wrong Energy
Keep
your vibe intentionally out of sync with happiness, success, and fulfillment.
Visualize failure whenever you get a chance. When you feel pissed off, amplify
it into rage. When you feel sad, feed the sadness into a mopey numbness that
you can drag out for weeks. Worry a lot. Know that things are always going
downhill for you.
Wrong Signs
Determine
that you’ve consumed a sufficient number of venti lattes that your dormant
psychic abilities must have finally awakened. Interpret every incoming text
message as a sign that you’re on the right path, even though the only people
who seem to care that you exist are just as lost as you are. Interpret the
seeming lack of forward progress in any quantifiable areas of your life as spiritual
growth. Inner growth is always invisible.
Wrong Intensity
Be
a hapless couch potato for 28 out of every 30 days who thinks that getting up
at 7am is the height of ambition. Then follow it with a 48-hour mania spree
where you tell everyone you can about an inspired idea you’re never going to
implement. Blow your wad with excited talk once a month; then return to the
cozy comfort of inaction.
Wrong Tune
You
know you’re on track to misery when you listen to the overall song of your
life, and all you can perceive is discordant noise where everything sounds like
it’s out of tune. If something starts working, and you begin to hear something
resembling music, then figure out what’s creating those nasty harmonies, and
break it.
Wrong Too Long
If
you’re already applying most of the above, then you shouldn’t have to worry
about success, happiness, and fulfillment infecting your dreary existence. You
can relax and coast to the coffin from here. Keep it up! :)
Incidentally,
this post was inspired by the song “Wrong” by Depeche Mode. Watch the video on
YouTube.
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This was a wonderful reminder…that got me thinking:
I’m a very Successful “Do Everything Wrong” kind-of person
…who's chosen to NOW change my ways!
Reading this awakened my inner-diva who came-out pretty
loud (in my mind’s open space) and said:
“Ah! Are you going to sit there and take that?...” as
she flung her hair to the side and then shook it to the back.
“You’re the ‘Queen’ of doing-things-wrong. And since you’ve
mastered that why bother changing? Really …you’re quite comfortable where you are,
how you are.
Geez you’ve managed pretty darn well this way… why would you
just go and change that?!”
Hummm… And so my dusty-little-strong-willed-hard-headed-girl
popped-out of her corner and just stood there (in my mind’s open space,
beside this diva… who’s now filing her nails) and just looked at my
inner-me (piercing into my soul’s eye) and …without words I know, I just
know.
…Breathe-in and out… And Remember:
