I Left Him Walking In the Cold

Last night I drove my son to one of his Theatre auditions in town.

It was snowing enough and was pretty cold out. As I was pulling out of the parking lot and starting onto the Highway I saw a guy walking down the side of the road. This guy's name (at that very moment) slipped my mind - but I did know who he was...

This man lives in my neighbourhood, and has some mental issues.
His Story (from my grape-vines): He saved a kid's life years ago by pushing the child out of harms way - a bus was about to hit the child, and ended-up hitting this guy instead.
This guy's name is Claude - I remembered this morning when talking to my spouse about this.

Anyways... back to last night.
Here I am driving home in my comfy heated SUV truck, just dropped off my son for an extra-curricular activity so that he can participate in community events -and I see this mentally challenged guy walking. I sure as hell know he's walking all the way back home - cause he does this all the time (sometimes he takes the bus.) ...and a bunch of the bus drivers know him too - so sometimes when he's lucky they'll pick him up cause they know who he is (and know that sometimes he doesn't have money on him).

Again I digress, sorry...

What goes through my mind...
"ah I should pick this guy up and at least give him a ride to our area... But I'm a woman, and I'm by myself, and he doesn't really know me - and I can't even remember his name!" (...right now.)

So I keep driving... and then start giving myself "It's OK" excuses to make myself feel better, things like...
"Oh if someone else was with me, I would have done it."
"Oh gosh, If only I had remembered his name, then at least I could have called out to him and he would have though I knew him... and then it would have been ok..." blah blah blah...

But bottom line is: I did nothing.
The pit of my stomach knew it and - I knew it.

I felt bad and - and wondered why I "couldn't" bring myself to picking him up?
I was too scared... and to be frank, this was too much of a reality for me - it was too close to home (to my heart).

I hear stories from others (friends) of how Claude is really a nice guy and ...all the random nice acts they do for him, all this because they know him and know "why" he's this way - makes it easier for them.

So coming back to my actions, and why this is so close to "my home".
My father was in an accident and now has mental issues; so "Claude" for me is my "Dad".





For people who don't know my dad, and don't know his story - and so I preconceive that they might put a judgment upon him, simply because... well they don't know otherwise. Also when it comes to 'mental issues' this is a fairly sensitive topic since not everyone understands, or even want to understand what 'mental issues' are... and so in 'their' heads thousands of stories and beliefs are created = Fears.



"Life is a learning process. We are here to learn and to grow." ~ Louise L. Hay

So what does this all mean... well I don't know? I'm simply sharing my experience and my ah-ha! moment of discovery.

What discovery, you ask?

Well the one of my own internal beliefs and fears.
Obviously I my preconceived judgment about my own father are projected (for me) on to this man "Claude" without me even giving him a chance.
My own fears and separation from my father allows me to 'disconnect' from that reality and not deal-with-it; and so not picking up Claude was ...me doing the same. Disconnecting.
My self-comforting self-talk embedding in me "it's ok" pats on the back preventing me from stepping into that 'fear' and 'busting that bubble' aka 'belief' - breaking my belief and converting them into realities / facts.
Whom am I to say what's going to happen... well my head (beliefs that have been imprinted) tells me that ...blah blah blah... And that makes it real? That makes it... true?

What is wrong vs. What is right? - And Who am I to judge...


...and so my journey continues...